


If We Never Met

by WaywardHuntress (Winchesterlovr0508)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: After Castiel dies, Dean loses his shit, How Dean Winchester grieves, I’m so sorry, M/M, TW grief and depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:34:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27496537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winchesterlovr0508/pseuds/WaywardHuntress
Summary: In the light of Castiel being taken by The Empty, Dean Winchester grieve for what could’ve been
Relationships: Castiel x Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester x Castiel, DeanCas, Destiel
Comments: 8
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my idea of how Dean would handle Cas’ death. This is also how we would see Dean finally coming out of the closet the only way he knows how. I’m so sorry for how painful this might be 😬

Dean could hear his phone ringing, he knew it was his brother. But he couldn’t bring the willpower to move his hand into his pocket. The ringing of the cell phone sounded as if in a far away tunnel and the vibrations were masked by the shuddering of his body. He couldn’t bear himself to even form the thought. He couldn’t accept what had just happened. 

From the corner of his eye, he saw the last remnants of what should have been his life. He saw what started it all. A handprint.  _ The  _ handprint. The reminder of who gripped him right and raised him from perdition. The picture of the angel’s tear streaked face blazed in his mind.  _ Cas.  _

It felt like hours that he sat on the cold, unforgiving concrete, his mind began swirling with the thoughts left unsaid. If only he’d had more time. Guilt pushed through and pierced his belly and a familiar instinct to defend himself broke through his cloudy grief. His phone was ringing again. How could he tell Sam, tell Jack, what happened in that bunker? How could Cas leave him all alone? 

The constant ringing seemed to swell in his ears, like the beating of war drums thrumming in his mind. He needed it to stop. Dean rose to his feet and pulled his phone from his scarred green jacket. He saw the name  _ Sam  _ flash on the screen as his fist connected with the unyielding wall. He felt the crimson liquid drip down his hand as he dropped the shattered phone to the floor. The ringing stopped but the drums kept on beating. Louder and louder as he clenched his fists and formed half of an idea in his anger ridden mind. 

Without looking back at the wall that had stolen Castiel from this world, Dean marched to his room. He pulled a small tin box from beneath his bed and checked to make sure all the contents were still inside. Once satisfied that he’d had what he needed, he strode out of the bunker, past Baby, to the nearest crossroad. 

After summoning the crossroads demon, Dean waited impatiently for what felt like years. He had told the sleezy red eyed bastard what he wanted in exchange for his life. The lanky car salesman looking demon blinked back into existence and a false smile of sympathy plastered his long horse like face. “I’m sorry Dean, but the Queen-“ Dean lashed out his arm and a flash of silver passed through the night before the demon disappeared in a melody of agonizing screams. 

“Rowena!” Dean shouted to the point his lungs were sore. “I swear on  _ everything  _ I love, I’ll keep killing every sonofabitch you send. Every red eyed jackass you have topside, until you give me what I want!” Dean recited the spell once more to summon another demon. “Get up here you red headed rotting bitch!” 

Just as Dean was about to fulfill his oath and go demon hunting despite the fight with Chuck looming, he heard the familiar Scottish brood that he’d been waiting for. “No need to shout Dearie. Even us  _ rotting bitches _ have to look our best hm?”

Dean glared at her with the hatred of a thousand suns. “Bring him back.  _ Now _ !” For a moment his anger subsided as he saw the pitiful expression Rowena wore on her regal face. 

“Oh lad, I’m sorry.”

“DON’T!  _ Don’t  _ say that crap! You’re a witch  _ and  _ the Queen of all of freaking hell! Don’t you fucking  _ dare  _ say you’re sorry! Bring. Him. Back!” Dean felt his blood pressure rising again. The steady ache in his hand became an annoying throb as he clenched to the blade.

“Dean,” she sounded as if coaxing a dangerous animal out of its hiding place, “even with all the powers of Hell, I can’t fight off the Empty. You know that dear.” Her tone was gentle but firm. The Queen had given her ruling. 

Dean felt madness and grief break through as tears stung his eyes. The drums in his mind, constantly beating.  _ Thump, thump. Thump, thump.  _ “Listen to me you ginger bitch, not even Hell can protect you if I find out you’re full of shit. I will tear you piece by piece and let your precious little rodents you call demons feed on you for as long as I live. Do you hear me!?”

Fear flashed across Rowena’s face before she set it back in stone. “I’ll give you a moment then shall I? When you’ve stopped being a stubborn little boy and have a  _ real  _ deal for me then we’ll talk. Until then dearie.” She vanished without another word and left Dean howling with rage. 

Dean walked back to the bunker, the flames of his anger flicking along the reasonable part of his thoughts. He didn’t know where he was going until he was there. He hadn’t realized that he’d kicked the door open, leaving splinters across the floor of the only thing left to remind him of Castiel’s existence. 

He looked at the bed that was never slept in. His fingers traced over the two photos framed on the nightstand. Blood leaving streaks across the perfect smiles of the past. He remembered the times the photos were taken. The one with Jack and Cas smiling brilliantly after Jack had caught his first fish. Dean picked up the second frame and stared. It was the first picture Cas had ever taken. Sam was in the background, his hair falling in front of his face as he bent over with laughter. Dean’s brow furrowed in frustration and incredulity. Castiel’s eyebrow raised in confusion as his large finger was pointing at the lens. Dean told him not to print that picture but in the times Castiel was human, he had gotten it developed anyway. 

Dean spun the frame away from him and sent it flying across the room where it shattered. None of that mattered now. Cas was gone and he was never coming back. Rage flew into control and he flipped the bed sending books and papers flying. He smashed the guitar he had given to Cas one Christmas after copious amounts of questions about musical instruments. He glided over in a trance to the boombox stereo that held the mixtape they had shared. Dean raised his fast above his head and drove his knife as far deep as he could into the stereo. He kept stabbing and stabbing until he couldn’t lift his arm. Emptiness swept over him as he saw the ruins of Castiel’s room. He hadn’t thought about if Jack would want something to remember him by. He hadn’t thought. 

He gazed at the mess he created and was once again surrounded by anger. “You sonofabitch!” Dean tilted his head and started screaming to the heavens, praying that some piece of Cas could still hear him. “You just  _ had  _ to off yourself didn’t you!? You just had to come along! You knew this was a one way trip! I was ready to go but you-“ the words caught in his throat. “None of this would have happened if you hadn’t hijacked me outta hell! This is your fault Cas! None of this would’ve happened if you would’ve stayed a good little angel soldier boy and left me to rot!” The tears burned as they flowed, but he couldn’t stop.  _ Thump, thump. Thump, thump.  _

“If we never met, I would’ve never had to watch Lucifer wear Sam as a meat suit! I never would’ve gone bat shit psycho and tried to kill everybody! I never would’ve met Amara and have my mom back just for her to be taken away from me again! I would’ve been dead! I was good with that! Why couldn’t you just fricken leave it!? I never would’ve cared about the world, about Charlie, about Bobby and Kevin and everybody else we’ve lost if it wasn’t for you!” His hands clenched his sandy brown locks in desperation as he kept gazing into the sky looking for any sign of the angel. “I never would’ve cared about you, you sonofabitch! I never would have l-“ his voice broke off as sobs consumed him. He fell to his knees on the glass riddled floor as the realization fell over him. For the first time in his life, Dean Winchester was truly alone. 

  
  



	2. Part Two

“I tried to tell you Dean.” Dean’s reflexes kicked in before his thoughts. He stabbed the man sitting next to him, sinking the blade down to the hilt into flesh. His eyes registered the figure as Chuck gave an exasperated sigh. “Ya know, that gets  _ really  _ old after a while.” White hot rage blazed behind Dean’s jade green eyes as he saw Chuck pull the blade out like it was a loose string on his purple blazer. 

“Bring him back you bastard!” Dean growled, his teeth grinding while he tried to think of his options to torture Chuck. “You’ve done it a thousand times, do it again! Bring him back!” 

Chuck rolled his eyes in boredom. “Exactly, I’ve already done it a thousand times so why would I do it again? You said it yourself Dean. You would’ve been better off if you never met Castiel. The  _ world  _ would’ve been better off. Metatron never would’ve sent Gadreel to kill Kevin. Lucifer would’ve never escaped the cage  _ twice _ . Leviathans never would’ve killed Bobby, the only father who cared about you and Sam. You never would’ve spent all those months in purgatory. You never would’ve gotten the bloodlust from the Mark of Cain. Charlie would still be alive. You’re right Dean. Everybody would’ve been better off. And before you try to kill me, hear me out.” He put his hands up in defense the closer Dean got with each name he spoke. 

“I can bring Castiel back but…  _ but,  _ his death is fixed. He’ll be taken again. Or…” the drums in Dean’s mind began picking up at a deafening pace.  _ Thump, thump. Thump, thump. Thump, thump.  _ “Or I can make it so you never met. I can take you from that moment you were gripped right and raised from perdition and let you live your life without Castiel. You’ll have Bobby, Kevin, everybody. The whole gang back together. I can take the pain away Dean.”

Dean wanted to stab Chuck. He wanted to tie him down and torture God until he gave Cas back. He wanted to flay Chuck and see what laid under the meat suit of this disgusting primordial being. But when he heard the words  _ take the pain away _ , something broke in him. He couldn’t imagine life without Cas but his grief was threatening to drown him. Part of Dean knew this was some sort of trick. Some sort of plan. But the hole in his soul was beginning to swallow him from the inside. He didn’t care about the world. He didn’t care what else was happening. Hell could be unleashing on earth and Dean just wanted the pain to end. Defeated and broken Dean nodded weakly. “Make it stop.” 

His sobs began returning when Chuck smiled and held up his hand. Before Dean could change his mind, Chuck snapped his fingers and the world went black. 

*****************************************

Dean woke in a bed. Familiar voices carried through the old farmhouse. Sam and Jo were laughing at Bobby at the kitchen table. Dean paused as he sat up, he knew that this was his life but something felt like it was missing. Something felt  _ wrong _ . He shook off the ominous feeling and shrugged on his hotdog pajamas before sauntering downstairs. 

Bobby was sitting at the head of the table while Jo and Sam flanked either side. Ellen was putting the finishing touches on breakfast, Dean rubbed his hands together greedily and sat next to his brother. “Scrambled eggs and bacon. Can’t go wrong with a classic Elle.”

Ellen rolled her eyes with a smile and unfolded a map, pinning the corner down with her plate. “So I got a call from Jody and she’s hearing whispers of a nest a few miles out. I’m thinking based on where bodies were found, the blood suckers are hiding out here.” She pointed to a rural place on the map as Dean kept chomping on his bacon. 

Bobby craned his neck to see the map and sat back down. “Alright then, you heard the lady. Let’s dig in and saddle up.” For some reason Dean couldn’t explain, his heart leapt when he heard the old man speak. They spent the next two hours gathering supplies before hitting the road. Dean, Sam and Bobby in the old rusty pickup truck and Jo and Ellen following behind. 

After a few miles of silence, Sam looked over to his brother. “Hey, have you heard from Cas?”

Waves of emotion and panic washed over Dean inexplicably. For some reason that name, Cas, carried so much pain and grief in his heart that he wanted to just stop existing on the spot. “Cas?” He asked Sam as tears were welling in his eyes. 

Sam looked concerned through the curtain of his chestnut hair. “Yeah… Cas. Your girlfriend? Cassie? Remember her?”

The synapses in Dean’s brain came together quickly although he was frustrated by his initial reaction to his longtime girlfriend’s name. “Cassie’s fine.” He grunted, signaling to Sam that he didn’t want to discuss her further.  _ Night Moves  _ began playing on the radio and Bobby turned up the volume to ease the obvious tension in the cab. 

Something was wrong. He didn’t know how he knew, but Dean could feel it to his very core as the radio moaned his favorite lyrics. He felt anger and frustration course through his veins at his unknown question as night fell and the truck pulled down a gravel drive. 

He didn’t wait for Jo to scout the rickety shack that housed the nest of vampires. With his machete and a handful of dead man’s blood, Dean rushed through the door and started hacking wildly at the hissing monsters inside. He let out every ounce of rage that had been welling inside him from the moment he heard that name. Familiar, yet just out of reach from the depths of his memories. He knew that name and it carried the most pain and emptiness that he’d ever felt. So why couldn’t he remember? Why!? 

The others had barely enough time to clear the threshold as Dean relieved the final blood sucker the burden of its head. He stormed past his family covered in blood with a murderous look in his eye. Slamming his machete to the ground, Dean looked up to the onyx sky and spread his arms, welcoming a fight with the heavens. “What sort of sick game is this!? I know when I’m being fricken played! I don’t know who you are but this shit ends now! Face me you sonofabitch!” 

In that instant, time seemed to freeze all around Dean and all of his memories came flooding back as the weasel faced Chuck appeared in the blink of an eye. “What’s the matter Dean?  _ This,  _ is what you asked for.” He opened his arms and gestures to the scene around them, smiling like a father who just taught his son a valuable lesson. “You wanted to forget. You wanted to erase Castiel from your life. I  _ gave  _ you that. And you repay me with  _ name calling _ ? That’s just mean, Dean.”

Dean felt his chest rising and falling as his adrenaline pumped through his veins. The drums in his head started beating frantically, begging for blood. Begging for war.  _ Thump, thump. Thump, thump.  _ The memories of his real life colliding with the ones of this alternate reality. Clashing and prying for space in his thoughts. 

Sensing the oncoming storm, Chuck changed tactic. “Alright fine. Is  _ this  _ what you want?” With a wave of his hand an image of smoke swirled into being. Before him, stood Castiel, wearing his oversized trench coat and navy blue tie. 

It didn’t feel real until the angel parted his lips and uttered the words that Dean had come to rely on all those years. “Hello Dean.” 

The drumming stopped. Dean was hit by a tidal wave of longing and relief. “Cas?” His voice was so thick with emotion, he almost didn’t recognize it. He wanted to say everything that was left unsaid when the primordial ooze of the Empty carried Cas off into nothingness. He opened his mouth but the words wouldn’t come. He wanted to scream until his lungs were sore that Cas changed him too. Cas made him  _ want  _ to be a better man. To help take care of Jack and Sam. To save the world from the bastard that stood watching them now. Most of all, he wanted to say the three little words that had changed him more than anything else. He wanted, no  _ needed _ , Cas to hear him say, “I love you.”

Cas’ smile was brilliant and beautiful, just the way that Dean remembered, but his eyes said something different. His eyes seemed far away, like he couldn’t quite hear the words Dean had been waiting to say. Dean wheeled around to face Chuck who was watching intently like a hawk circling its weak prey. “So what’ll it be Dean? Your super sweet angel lover boy? Or your family?” He snapped his fingers and Sam and Bobby unfroze. They looked around confused and their eyes landed on Dean’s pained expression. How could he choose? How could he let them die again? How could he let any of them go?

Bobby walked over and placed his calloused hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Do what ya gotta do son.” Dean didn’t know how Bobby knew or even  _ if  _ Bobby knew the choice laid out before him. 

With trembling steps, he approached Cas. When he reached to touch the angel’s hand, he passed through it like Cas was still made of smoke. This was a mirage, it was Cas but not  _ his  _ Cas. An imprint of what used to be. Castiel was gone, there was no coming back, not with Chuck in charge. Cas looked at Dean as if seeing him for the first time since being conjured. He mouthed the words that Dean had once spoken to him, many years ago. “I’d rather have you, cursed or not.” He didn’t know how but he knew that he’d just received a message from the real Cas. And he knew what he had to do. 

Dean raked his hands through his hair and felt the drums start beating steadily once more. “No!” His hands flew down to his sides and seemed to cut the mirage away. When he opened his eyes, Dean and Chuck were standing back in the shattered room of the bunker. 

Fear etched on Chuck’s face but he attempted to hide it. “Calm down drama queen. If it’s your crappy existence that’ll end any day now that you want, you could’ve just asked.”

Dean growled through his teeth and stared down the creator of this world and so many others. “No.” He clenched his fists and found that his hand was bleeding again. Welcoming the pain, enjoying the beating of the drums, relishing in what he was about to say next, he looked at God and saw only a scared little spoiled brat and Dean was about to give him something to be scared of. “Cas may be gone. You may have destroyed all your other worlds and killed everybody I love. You think leeching off your sister’s power is going to save you but you’re dead wrong.” He let out a cruel, menacing laugh, “because right here, right now, I promise you Chuck. I’m going to fucking end you. I’ll probably die and that’s ok, but you are  _ done  _ taking innocent people for your sick, twisted games. You shouldn’t have shown me him. You shouldn’t have brought back Bobby and Jo and Ellen. You did the one thing that I could never do myself. You reminded me of why you need to die. I will tear you apart, limb by fricken limb. I remember my time in Hell. I remember my time with the Mark. And I remember that I love  _ him _ . So run Chuck. Run while you still can, because I  _ will  _ find you and I  _ will  _ kill you. And I  _ will  _ get him back and not even you can stop me. So kill me now or get the fuck out of here you cowardly sonofabitch!” 

Chuck found himself backed against the wall, he looked around frantically at something to drown the fire he’d just ignited in Dean. When he saw pure hatred and determination blazing behind his cold, jade eyes, he blinked out of existence and left Dean alone. Dean walked to the other side of the room and picked up the broken photo frame. He gazed at Cas’ confused face before sliding the picture out and placing it in his breast pocket where it belonged, close to his heart. He grabbed his duffle bag and hopped into the ‘67 Impala that awaited him without looking back at his home. With his mission clear, he turned the ignition and Baby roared to life. Dean peeled out of the drive to join Sam and Jack for their final showdown with God. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the song Bruises by Lewis Capaldi, if you’d like to get a feel for how Dean is feeling, give it a listen. Thanks for reading!❤️


End file.
